


The Talk

by mielipieli



Series: Forever evil angst [2]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Forever Evil (Comics)
Genre: Fluffy Angst, Gen, I didn't plan on this becoming longer, Other characters mentioned - Freeform, angsty fluff, so much angst such fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-06
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2018-07-21 23:33:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7409545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mielipieli/pseuds/mielipieli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steph doesn't think it's a good idea not to talk about the events of forever evil. So she gets Dick to open up. Then she's pissed at the other batboys. Dick needs to confront his actual emotions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Talking

"Have you ever talked about what happened with the Crime Syndicate?"

To Dick the question came like a punch in the gut. That tiny moment when he went stiff nearly caused him to botch his landing. He turned to where Steph had just landed and couldn't find any words to say. She seemed to grow agitated.

"I... I mean I was just wondering because you know at first no one knew you were alive but Batman. And I honestly can't imagine him talking about emotions. And then you were undercover and couldn't exactly talk openly, right? And then everyone was pretty pissed. I mean throughout the whole mother thing I can't remember the boys really talking to you. And Damian he's young, right. So, I don't know did you ever talk about it?"

It took Dick two more seconds of just staring at Steph to regain some of his brain capacity. Then he didn't really feel comfortable looking at her. He turned his head towards the river.

"No", he said quietly. "It's not something I ever talked about. I'm on pretty good terms with them now but... I don't know. I guess I don't want them to think I'm defending my decisions."

He dared to glance at Steph for a second. She was getting awfully quiet. He regretted it instantly and looked away again: The thoughtful look on her face seemed a bit out of character. Not because she wasn't capable of thinking but because her decisions always were confident and quick. When he saw her shifting out of the corner of his eye, he looked back. Steph was sitting on the edge of the roof now and apparently trying to tell him to sit down as well.

"So talk."

"What?"

"Just sit down now and talk about your feelings. Pretending they don't exist won't help you and the night seems quiet enough."

With a sigh he sat down and tried to collect himself. He didn't really know where to start. There were so many elements to this story and everything seemed to be just one big story instead of separate ones. 

"Just, start at the first point that bothers you."

Had he really taken that long just to arrange his thoughts? But he definitely knew what the first part was.

"I guess it started when I was checking Arkham. That's where I got captured. What really bothers me is that I didn't even put up a fight. I couldn't do anything. Throughout the whole crisis I was just a damsel in distress. Nothing I could do, nothing that would've influenced the events. And it was that way from the beginning. I never even stood a chance. I was surprised by Superwoman. And with that stupid lasso of submission I couldn't even put up a fight. Didn't even get to break my hand trying. Oh and before that I got punched by Owlman."

He probably sounded bitter. He was.

„I don’t even remember what happened between that and being unmasked. Which was a new low I must admit. I don’t know how many hours passed either. I think I came to a few times but I don’t have any specific memories. The unmasking bit was fun, too. But the hours and days after that were worse. I was just in that room. Completely dark, alone, tied to a chair. I tried to wriggle free until my wrists were bloody. Sometimes someone would come talk to me.“

„Like who?“

„Ultra men and a few of the others came to taunt me. Owlman tried to emotionally manipulate me into joining him. Didn’t really realize it at the time. There was also the screwed up version of Alfred. Owlman told me about how the two of them killed his parents and Bruce when he was young. I think the fact that they were all so similar to people I know and admire made it worse. I would sometimes think it was Diana who had found me and then Superwoman stepped out of the shadows.“

„Did you know what was going on outside?“

„I had no idea. I only know what they told me. Like that they apparently had destroyed the Teen Titans. That they had killed Bruce. I had far too much time to imagine worst case scenarios. Then I was strapped to a freaking bomb. That pretty much killed any hope I had left of being rescued. And then Bruce came and I thought it would be my fault if he did actually die that day. Because he wasn’t just going to leave. That’s not something he does. He will never abandon his family.“

„Even if he had died, you know it wouldn’t have been your fault, right?“, Steph sounded pensive but Dick was pretty sure it was a serious question, He also realized that despite usually being a very talkative person, Steph was a good listener as well. Questions always assured you that she was still listening to what you were saying but she let you talk.

„I’m… not sure? Rationally I know but emotionally not really.“

„What happened when you were back wherever Bruce brought you?“

„He asked me to go on the mission. I agreed. But he could probably have asked me to dance on a building while naked at the time. I don’t think I would have rejected anything from anyone. Wasn’t in the state to. But that doesn’t make it his fault either.“

„You do realize that you’ll have to talk about this with your family at some point?“

„Yes, I do. But I feel like that can still wait a few years.“

He stood up quickly. They still had to finish off their patrol. He was surprised by the hug he suddenly found himself in. 

„Thanks“, he whispered and they didn’t talk for the rest of their quiet patrol.


	2. Bringing more people in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steph is slightly fed up. Or very fed up. Now that she knows what happened in the first place, she also knows Dick's brothers aren't being fair. And damn her if she's going to stand for that

„You don’t have any say in this, Mister I-am-dead-and-now-I’m-back!“, Tim yelled in the middle of a discussion between all the Robins on a rooftop pointing angrily at Dick. Dick seemed to deflate and his whole body relaxed with his face falling. Steph looked between the two and then stepped forward.

„You know what, Tim? Fuck you, right now.“

Dick’s face looked scrunched up: „Steph, don’t…“

„Yes, I will because this behavior is annoying me so goddamn much. I understood why you would be angry at first, Tim. But it’s been three months. Have you had one serious talk about what happened and what Dick’s motives were? What happened to that awesome brotherhood that you used to talk about whenever it came up. Actually, this also goes for Jason, too!“

„Hey, why are you bringing me into this?“, Jason asked annoyed.

„Because you’re supposed to be his family, you fucking idiots! He’s supposed to be able to come to you with whatever issues he has and not have to worry about you leaving him alone! And yet I was the one to actually talk to him! What the fuck kind of brothers are you that you haven’t noticed that he looks like he can’t breathe whenever he has to take any kind of pill? Or that he nearly had a panic attack last time he woke up with Damian on him so that he couldn’t move his arms? You are assholes for holding this against him for a week, let alone a month!“

During her attack Steph had gotten more and more enraged and Dick had started blending into the shadows looking like he would like to vanish completely. Jason and Tim looked astonished. Damian turned towards Dick:

„You’re an idiot, Grayson. Why would you talk to Fatgirl when you could always talk to me.“ 

Steph didn’t know wether to laugh or cry at Damian’s adorable attempt to convey that he cared. Dick’s face displayed kindness when Steph looked at him again.

„I know, Dami. But I wouldn’t want to load my issues onto you.“

Steph wasn’t sure how that had happened but somehow Dick and Damian were hugging and the last thing she had seen was them standing five meters apart.

„I’m sorry.“ Tim’s voice was quiet and he was looking down at his shoes.

„What he said.“ Jason’s face wasn’t discernible through his mask and neither was his voice but his posture seemed to be slumped over a bit.

——

The annoying thing was that from that point on Dick’s brothers paid a lot of attention to his reactions to random stuff. None of them had learned how exactly Dick kind of nearly died - they actually started calling it his kind-of-nearly-death at some point - and now they were looking for details. 

Dick was lying on the couch to get some rest when Jason turned on the news.

„I am currently working on efficient clean energy systems which…“

As soon as Dick heard Luthor’s voice he was off the couch. He willed his body to relax and breathed deeply. Then he noticed Jason staring at him having just turned off the TV again. 

„Why do you freak out every time Luthor is in the news?“

„Why does that happen?“, Tim said having just walked into the room with Damian - Dick was still confused that they got along now.

„Bad memories, nothing more“, Dick said and walked out of the room. Tim followed him.

„Hey! You can’t just always walk away when something uncomfortable comes up!“

Dick whipped around, his face red in anger now. 

„Because Luthor forced a freaking pill down my throat that stopped my heart! But hey! Everything’s FINE! I SURVIVED SO JUST GET OFF MY BACK NOW, OKAY?!“

—————

Tim was the one who found Dick after the yelling incident. He was sitting on the rooftop, the point farthest from any access hatch. The giant oak’s branches reached over the manor here and that hid this place from sight. 

„Do you want to talk about it?“, Tim asked while sitting down a meter away.

„What is there to talk about?“, Dick’s voice was harsh and Tim would have loved to crawl back down. 

„Whatever you told Steph. We talked about it a few days ago and realized that none of us really knew why everyone was so sure of your death. Damian was still dead, of course, I was somewhere in the future and Jason was… Honestly, I have no idea where Jason was… Point is, I’m ready to listen - actually listen - to what happened and I’m sorry I didn’t before.“

Honestly, he had preferred them being angry at him. That way it had been far easier to tell himself that he was fine. Now he had to deal with his stupid little brothers breaking his walls and making everything fall apart.


	3. Not Ready

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dick knows he needs to do something. He just doesn't know what

It takes Dick a week to really get that he’s not alright. And when he does it’s not spectacular. He just realizes it. He’s not okay. It’s probably because he hasn’t thought about everything that happened for so long. A few weeks after the business with the Crime Syndicate he was already in enemy territory. And he wasn’t just collecting information. He actively planted bugs and transmitted information daily.

And that’s the point. He has known for years how to shove emotions down when in dangerous situations. Bruce didn’t teach him this for him to be emotionally repressed but for him to survive. It’s a tool for not breaking down. But he’s done it too long. And now he doesn’t know what to do about it. He just knows it can’t really go on like this. 

He currently feels broken inside. Like his heart wants to tear apart and his voice wants to never be hurt again. Like he might start crying any minute now but his tear ducts are dry. Like he needs to stop his life but his routine is the only thing keeping him upright. He needs to do something about this. But the question hasn’t been answered: WHAT IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO?

If he talked to someone, that might help. But he never seems to be able to get anything out when he has the opportunity. Bruce is too emotionally repressed and they were never ones to talk about their feelings. Once he wanted to talk to Tim. Then he realized he was angry at Tim for not realizing that Dick needed help. He doesn’t want to talk Damian. The kid has enough problems for ten people already and Dick really doesn’t want to dump his on top of those. Jason and him never mix well and that’s why he doesn’t want to talk to him. The Titans seemed like a good option but everything is so great when he’s with them that Dick doesn’t want to waste a minute of his happiness while he’s with them. Cass and Duke and Claire seem like great people but Dick really doesn’t know any of them well enough for this. 

He talked to Steph that one time on the rooftop. It helped. And she stood up for him when he wouldn’t do it. Dick hates how watchful his brothers are now that she has but she is also thankful for her kind words. 

———————————

Dick ends up in the bathroom vomiting and having a panic attack the next time he takes some painkillers because of a few broken ribs. His phone is in his hands when he thinks he might be suffocate between the hyperventilation, tears and occasional barfing. He doesn’t pay attention to who he calls but his phone it on speaker and he hears Wally’s voice asking sleepily: „Hello? Dick?“ And he sobs some more and apparently Wally hears it because Dick hears a rush of air from the end of the line and a few seconds later Wally is there and rubbing his back. Dick buries his face in Wally’s shirt when he feels like he’s not going to vomit anymore and after a while - a long, long while - his sobs turn into hiccups and then he falls asleep. 

Dick wakes up to see Wally sitting next to his bed with a worried look on his face and also sleeping - he’s seen it often enough in the community to know this is possible - and then he looks around and sees Tim sitting at the foot of his bed looking somewhere between worried and angry and hurt and a few other things Dick doesn’t care to identify. He also looks disappointed. Maybe because Dick called Wally before family or because Dick can’t get this %&§! sorted out. Dick is also disappointed because Wally called Tim and now Tim will want Dick to talk to him and Dick just can’t. CAN’T. 

Dick is not going to panic again. At least not today. Tim takes out his phone and types something before putting it back in his pocket. „Dick, how are you feeling? Wally called me when you passed out. He was worried that you had been dosed with something.“

„I’m fine“, shit he was supposed to be the talkative one. 

„He also said that you had a panic attack. Was it about…“ Tim’s voice drifts off but they both know what he means and Dick doesn’t want to say anything but he also knows Tim won’t accept a lie. „Please, Dick. Just talk to me.“ Tim is begging. Begging. And Dick has never been able to say no to that because he would do anything for Tim. 

„I… There was this pill. I was just trying to swallow it. And then I did and it felt like it was stuck in my throat and I could taste it in my mouth and it felt so horrible. I chugged down a liter of water and I could still feel it. I just started to panic. I ended up on the bathroom floor. Vomiting. I thought I was going to die right there because of a stupid pill in my stupid throat. Just a goddamn stupid pill.“ Dick shuts up then and keeps staring at the ceiling. It’s easy to avoid looking at Tim since he’s still lying in bed. 

Tim doesn’t say anything for the next five minutes. When he does his voice sounds more like it’s a twelve year old talking than a seventeen year old: „You know it’s okay if you’re not okay, right? We just want to know what your current status is. That’s the thing. We want to know when you’re okay and we want to know when you’re not. We prefer the ugly truth to the pretty lie. Because what is pretty worth if it’s just a lie.“ Dick starts crying right then and there and from the sound Tim makes Dick can tell he’s not ready for this. But that’s okay because Dick isn’t either. Wally isn't either because of course that's when he wakes up.


	4. Getting a handle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is probably a terrible idea of dealing with triggers. But no one has ever claimed Dick was healthy in dealing with his emotions.

„You know that this is one messed up way to get over trauma, right?“ Jason stared at Dick with a mixture of concern and doubt. 

„You’re one to talk“, Dick said staring back. „You just ignore everything forever.“

„Point. But isn’t that what you tried to do?“

„Yes but now I’m not.“

They stared into each others eyes. Then Jason sighed. 

„Fine. What’s your plan?“

„Ok. I’ll come by once a day and swallow a harmless sugar pill. You’ll just be there to make sure I don’t get a panic attack. You don’t really have to do anything and you can leave within one minute.“

„Ok. After patrol. And I’m coming to your apartment. Because one it’s better if you’re in a more familiar environment and two I change safe houses every few weeks. And you’ll have to find a different solution for when I’m out of town.“

„Fine.“ Dick sounded very confused. He most likely hadn’t expected Jason to actually do this. „I’ll just do the first one now then.“ He got a glass out of the cupboard and filled it with water. Then he took out a pill and… nothing. He just stared at it like it was the meanest, vilest creature in the world. Like it was the Joker or Heretic. Like it had just killed his entire family. 

„You do know that you don’t actually need to do this?“, Jason said with a concern note to his voice. Dick knocked the pill back, took a big gulp of water and swallowed. Jason could have laughed at the pettiness of his big brother being motivated by him saying he should not do this. He didn’t though because the wide-eyed look on Dick’s face was truly worrying. Then it vanished and Dick took a deep breath.

„Ok. Thanks. You can go now.“

„Hell, no! I know how triggers work. I’m staying for at least fifteen minutes to make sure you don’t have a delayed freakout!“, Jason nearly blew up in Dick’s face.

„If you think that’s necessary! FINE!“

————————

It worked well for about a week. Then on the sixth night Dick delayed going home for two hours so maybe Jason would have gone away by the time he arrived. Instead Jason sat on his couch watching Tv, which he turned off as soon as Dick entered the apartment. 

„Where were you?“ Jason sounds pissed. Very pissed. Extremely pissed.

„To be honest I freaked out.“ It feels weird to be so up front about it but after him not telling Jason he got stabbed two days ago and nearly fainting because of it, Jason made him promise to be honest throughout whatever the fuck they’re trying to accomplish here.

„You know you really don’t have to do this“, Jason stated but at this point it sounded more like an empty sentence.

„I know. But I really gotta get over this“, Dick replied with a sigh and took out a glass. He was tired. Although he hadn’t gotten a single panic attack yet he had had several nightmares and that was taxing. He hadn’t told Jason.

„This might not be the way.“

„You don’t have to do this either, you know? Standing here every day waiting for me to freak out.“

„Better me here than no one. I know we’ve had our differences but I don’t wish death by panic attack on anyone. Even you.“

„Aww, chugs“, Dick said and took the pill.


	5. Phone Calls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason fucks up and Superman is only one call away.

„You look tired“, Jason stated when Dick took of his mask and tossed it into the corner of his apartment. Dick sighed.

„I’m not getting enough sleep and the little I do get isn’t exactly relaxing.“ Jason looked at him with narrowed eyes and crossed his arms.

„Has this been getting worse since we started your little ‚therapy‘?“ 

„Yes, it has.“

„Maybe you should rethink your approach.“ Although worded like a suggestion it was clearly not one. Jason’s tone and disapproving glare made that clear.

Dick sat down on the floor. His eyes hurt. He was sore from his fight with Mad Hatter yesterday. He was tired from all of these goddamn nightmares. He had to find a way to deal with all of this shit at some point but this wasn’t working.

„It’s not working. I thought it might work. Just attacking the problem usually works quite well for me.“ Jason’s laugh is hoarse and he sits down in front of Dick. 

„For me it does, too. But head stuff is usually a bit trickier. Have you gotten in touch with a therapist, yet?“ Jason speaks more softly than Dick is used to from him. That’s one of their biggest problems. Between the two of them there is so much bad blood - the whole Jason in Arkham disaster, Jason shooting Damian, Dick treating Jason like shit as a kid - that they never manage to put it aside. They usually are so apprehensive of a fight that they cause one. 

„Not yet. Was planning on it though. Even Bruce would probably realize help is needed in this case.“ There’s another laugh. If Dick had just known an emotional breakdown would have been necessary to get the two of them to get along without any difficulties, he would have had one years ago. 

„Nah. You underestimate his stubbornness. Have you tried sleep meds? Maybe one good night’s sleep will help?“

Dick grimaces: „I absolutely loathe the stuff. I always feel so vulnerable.“

„I know what you mean but what if I stayed on your couch for the night and you took something. That way you’d know there is someone to watch out for you and it might make it easier for you to sleep peacefully.“

——————

Dick actually did sleep well. He felt secure with Jason there. However, he had not slept long enough for the sleep meds to wear off completely. That’s why he was still half asleep when he got up to get a glass of water and some food. 

„Well, he’s in a pretty shitty state“, he heard Jason say and stopped just short of the door suddenly wide awake. 

„I told you about his great therapy idea, right? It backfired and he was way more sleep deprived than usually. Got him to take some pills though. He should probably wake up in an hour.“ Why was Jason talking about him? He had no right to discuss Dick’s problems with anyone. He had gone to him because he trusted Jason to keep his freaking mouth shut.

„Yeah, Tim. Take care.“ Jason went silent for a few seconds. „Exactly. I’m going to go buy some food for Dick’s fridge later. He literally only has coffee, milk and cereal.“ A laugh escaped Jason at something Tim had presumably just said. „You, too. See you tomorrow.“ Jason put the phone down on the couch table and got up from the couch. Then he turned around. 

„Oh.“

Dick stared at him. He hoped his anger showed on his face. He crossed his arms. 

„I’m sorry that I talked about you behind your back but Tim is pretty worried. I’m just trying to help“, Jason’s voice sounded desperate. Dick was too tired for his shit. 

„You can go help someone else!“ He yelled. He felt betrayed. It hurt. And damn him if he knew how to deal with anything at the moment. His arm was up in a ninety degree angle to his body and pointing at the door. Jason stared back for a moment before looking down, grabbing his backpack and leaving. 

Dick was alone and drugged out of his mind. He was kind of proud of the one coherent sentence he had managed to form. But now he was alone and he wasn’t actually trying to be. Dick knew exactly that he needed help but he still had no idea where it was supposed to come from. 

Not his brothers. That obviously hadn’t worked. Not the Titans. That was all still so new and stressful. He knew them but only kind of because some things were still being sorted out (like Wally staring at the wall sometimes like something had reminded him of something else that didn’t exist anymore). Not Bruce. He always felt insecure with Bruce. He loved Bruce deeply but the man was not the one you wanted to talk to about emotions. 

If the old Clark were alive, Dick would probably go to him. He’d gone to him before becoming Nightwing after all. Maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea. There still was the other Clark. He had seemed nice when he helped Dick against Doctor Destiny. And apparently he’d been friends with the other version of Dick but he had not acted like they were both the exact same person. He had also given Dick his number (He could probably also use his Justice League communicator but that would make it seem like this was about the superhero work.).

„Clark White, here. How can I help you?“, the familiar voice sounded from his phone. 

„Hi. It’s Dick. I was wondering whether you maybe had time for a coffee. I could use some advice.“

„Sure. I don’t have anything to do right now. I mean, it’s ten in the morning on a Saturday. And I don’t think Lois would mind. Do you want to meet at the one next to Wayne Enterprises? I can be there in fifteen minutes.“

„That would be great.“ Dick was a bit confounded that Clark was so ready to meet on such short notice. He must have known his other universe version of him pretty well. Or he was just being the always helpful Clark. 

„Ok. See you there.“ 

———————

He had just gotten two cups of coffee from the counter and settled down at a table next to one of the windows when the mild-mannered reporter (was he even a reporter at the moment) walked in with his signature glasses and a checkered shirt. He looked around the store for a moment before he seemed to see Dick and walked to the table. 

„Black coffee okay?“, Dick asked.

„Yes. Thank you.“ Clark took the cup Dick had pushed towards him. His hair was messy and his cheeks and ears looked a bit red. He had definitely flown here. „So: Why did you want to meet?“

„I have a bit of a problem. Psychologically speaking.“ Clark frowned as he took a sip from his coffee. „I don’t know how much you know about this but a few years ago when the Crime Syndicate attacked I got captured and ‚killed‘.“ Dick made air quotes around the word killed. „I then went undercover in Spyral. And the thing is that I still can’t really deal with my ‚death‘. What happened at the time was that I was stuck in a bomb that could only be disarmed by my heart being stopped. So when Lex Luthor and Bruce got there, Luthor stuck a pill in my mouth and forced me to swallow it.

„I probably would have done it without his hand over my mouth but he didn’t know that. Then a few minutes later, he revived me with a shot of adrenaline. And now, nearly two years later, I still get panic attacks and nightmares about this shit all the time.“ Clark’s frown had deepened. 

„But for some reason you think that you should have gotten over it by now? Dick, I still have nightmares about several times I nearly died. I imagine I’ll never get over the time I actually did die. You don’t need to get over it. What you do however need to do is see a therapist. I know you bats like to just suppress your emotions or just get into actual fights with them - my Bruce got J’onn to send him into his own head just so he could punch his anger once. But that isn’t healthy.

„I also know that while you guys are bad at talking about emotions in general, you’re way worse at talking to each other. So get yourself someone who you will tell about every single time you get a panic attack. Someone who doesn’t know you. Someone who is maybe used to dealing with - if not superheroes - soldiers. Get yourself a trained medical professional instead of trying to do this alone.“

——————

Tim wasn’t even surprised when Jason stormed into his apartment without knocking or owning a key. However, he was surprised that he was there already. He had said that he was still going to spend some time with Dick for the next hours. Only half an hour had gone by. Jason sat down on the couch across from the one Tim was sitting on.

„I fucked up“, Jason buried his face in his hands. 

Tim frowned and looked up from his laptop: „What happened? Weren’t you supposed to stay with Dick for a while?“

„He woke up earlier than I expected and he heard me tell you about how he’s doing. He was pissed and threw me out. His pupils were still dilated from the freaking sleep meds. He probably shouldn’t be walking around without supervision.“

„Damn.“


	6. How does one talk to Barbara Gordon?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the help of the girls and therapy Dick is getting better. However, he doesn't really know what to do when he gets a text from Babs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short recap: Jason betrayed Dick's trust by telling Tim about Dick's status. Dick talked to Clark who told him to go to therapy.
> 
> For anyone who - like my friend tremendouslyhungry (tumblr url) who was kind enough to have a look at the chapter - doesn't remember what happened in the comics: Babs slapped Dick, yelled at him and ran away from him when he came back. She did then help him with Spyral though which is not mentioned in the chapter but not forgotten. 
> 
> I'm sorry it took me so long to write this chapter. I was stuck on the scene between Dick and Babs. I had a new idea yesterday and could finally complete the chapter. I'm also writing 10 things simultaneously so that's another reason. Enjoy!

Tim was pretty sure Dick was doing better. He didn’t know because Dick hadn’t really talked to Jason or him about anything outside of their night work. However, he could see that Dick didn’t look so damn tired anymore. He looked like he had gotten relatively good sleep most of the time and from what Damian had told him Dick was now working in a small coffee shop. 

Tim hadn’t had the nerve to go there but he could imagine that Dick was pretty good at being a barista. He was cheerful and polite and Tim couldn’t even count the amount of superhero symbols his coffee had resembled when he had still put milk in the stuff. Whenever Tim saw Dick his whole body seemed more relaxed than just two months ago. Of course one could still read him as exhausted and wrecked but it didn’t seem as existential as before. It was a problem but not anything that had to be dealt with right this very second. 

Tim had seen Dick sit on rooftops with Steph on a few of their slower nights - they seemed to come quite often at the moment - as their patrol routes intersected each other once in awhile. Sometimes Cass or Harper were there as well and when Bruce was out of town or Dick had gotten partnered with him Damian was there as well. Their moods seemed to vary. Especially when it was just Steph and Dick they seemed to be dealing with problems but when the others were there as well it seemed to involve a lot of laughing. One time they had all been eating burgers on top of one of the best diners.

Tim hadn’t managed to join them yet. It wasn’t like they had refused to let him join them. He just didn’t want to ask. To be honest Tim felt quite guilty about asking Jason to tell him how Dick was doing instead of just asking. He knew that Dick might have refused to tell him something but that would have been his choice to make since Tim couldn’t really complain about him not dealing. He knew damn well Tim was doing is best to deal.

——————

„Hey, Dick! I wanted to ask whether you maybe wanted to go out for lunch today. I’d really like to talk to you. See you soon. Babs.“

The message was sent and Babs took a deep breath. At some point during the last day Cass had come by. She hadn’t really said much - she never did - but Babs had felt guilty before she even knew what the visit was about. Then Cass had simply pointed at a picture of Dick on Babs’ table and at her phone.

„Talk“, she had said and left. 

Babs wasn’t really sure what it was about exactly but Cass seemed to think that Babs had done something wrong. If she were honest, Cass was usually right with something like this. So Babs had taken the time to write out the message this morning before doing anything else. She had thought about what to say a lot last evening since she still didn’t really know what this was about. Now she had just decided on wanting to meet up. She’d figure it out along the way. 

————

Dick hadn’t talked to Babs in ages. He had been too stressed by his brothers trying to figure out his emotions and doing the same thing himself. Now her message came as a surprise. She had avoided talking to him for a few months now, ever since he had come back from the dead and he wasn’t sure why she had suddenly changed her mind. 

„Hey, Steph. Dick here“, he said when the person in question answered her phone. 

„Oh, hey. What’s up?“

„I was wondering whether you knew why Babs suddenly wants to meet up. She’s been angry at me for months and now she apparently just isn’t anymore?“

„Oh, finally.“

„What did you do?“

„I didn’t do anything. But Cass has been giving her looks and she seems to finally realize why.“

„…“

„I’m sorry. You know I have no control over Cass. No one does. She thought Babs had to do something and she’s incredibly honest about her emotions.“

„Fine. I’m going to lunch with her then.“

„Text me if you need an interruption.“

„Sure. See you.“

——————

Dick arrived at the diner five minutes late because Tiger had called him two minutes before he had to go. They had fallen into their usual bickering and Dick had completely forgotten that he needed to get going. 

Babs sat at a table in the back which was far enough from any other customer that even classified or sensitive issues could be discussed without any problems. Dick wasn’t sure whether he liked it or not.

„Hey, Dick“, Babs said as he neared the table.

He raised his hand in a weird kind of wave motion before sliding into the bench opposite from her: „Hey! Haven’t heard from you in ages.”

They exchanged some pleasantries but didn’t begin to actually talk about anything important until after they had ordered some food.

“Dick, are you okay?”, Babs asked carefully as she took the first sip of her ice tea.

“No, I’m not. But I’m getting there. Thanks for asking.” Fuck. He had been planning on being calm and collected and just waiting for Babs to do something. Instead the sarcastic pit that had been alive deep within him for years at this point had just taken over. 

Babs looked like she had just punched in the stomach. He really didn’t want her to punch back. 

He rubbed his face and quickly said: “Look, Babs. I’ve been dealing with some stuff that’s been troubling me for a while and I’m really getting somewhere. But you know how it goes: It gets worse before it gets better.”

“What kind of stuff?”

Dick didn’t know what he had expected but for some reason this completely surprised him. He had always known Babs as someone who was an amazing friend. Even when she was still angry at him, she would always lend a helping hand. And above all she valued information and honesty. She would always let you explain. 

“Crime Syndicate mostly.” Babs’ eyebrows shot up. “Family, too. But mostly the Crime Syndicate.”

Her stare was too much. He quickly looked down and put his hand on his forehead so she couldn’t see the tears welling up in his eyes. He tried to blink them away but with his mind deciding this was the perfect time for some (mild) flashbacks, he couldn’t stop a couple of tears rolling down his cheeks. He quickly used his sleeve to wipe them away but a motion like that would not go unnoticed with anyone in their business - especially not Babs. 

“Dick, what’s going on? I know I was a bit harsh on you when you came back to Gotham and I’m still not happy about what you did but I wouldn’t turn you away if you need me”, Babs said with a soft tone that is only contradicted by the phantom pain of his cheek as he remembers her reaction to him being alive. 

Dick takes a deep breath and makes a decision: “I’m sorry, Babs. I’m not ready to talk to you about this.”

Babs looks like she has been slapped as he gets up and puts fifty dollars on the table for the waitress who is - of course - just now arriving with their food. Dick feels a pang of guilt in his chest at that. He had caused Babs and the others a lot of pain with his actions and now he wasn’t even explaining his behaviour. She deserved better than that. 

Steph would kick his shin for his that thought. It was her personal method of therapy: Whenever he blamed himself for something she deemed as either not his fault or excused, she would mildly punch or kick him. It was never hard enough to actually leave a bruise. Just enough to stop him from spiralling into something worse. At this point there was a voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Steph: “Don’t be an idiot.”

\------

It was an hour later that his phone rang.

“Richard Grayson.”

“Oh, god. That’s your bad mood answering voice. How did the lunch go?”

“Steph! Hey. I kind of just walked out after fifteen minutes.”

“That bad?”

“I don’t really know. I got sarcastic and then it got serious and then I kind of realized that I don’t want to talk to Babs about any of this.”

“Then walking out was a good idea. I’m proud of you.”

Dick felt himself smile a bit at that: “Thank you.”

“If you do want to talk to her, I’ll always be alright with helping you.”

“Thanks, Steph. You’re a great sister, you know that?”

“Aww. You’re a great brother. I’ll see you on patrol?”

“Definitely. Bye!”

“See you later!”


	7. Road trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Batkids plus Steph take a road trip. Includes a panic attack and a hike.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick summary of what happened:  
> -Jason told Tim stuff about how Dick was doing and in doing so broke Dick's trust, Dick's pretty pissed  
> -Dick's getting better, he's working as a barista now and hanging around with the girls and sometimes Dami when it's a quiet night  
> -Cass guilted Babs into meeting up with Dick without saying anything, he went, panicked and left  
> -Steph is Dick's moral support

“Dick, how do you feel about a road trip?”, Steph asked biting into her burger.

“You’re gonna have to elaborate before I say anything.”

“All of the Robins and Cass. In a car driving to some remote cabin.”

“It would probably end in a fight.”

“It may”, Steph said and turned back to the view of the skyline, “but you haven’t talked to Tim and Jason in weeks so those two would be on their best behaviour. That basically gives Damian no one to fight with and Cass, Duke, you, and me don’t usually provoke anyone on purpose.”

Dick felt guilt well up at the mention of Tim and Jason. He was still pretty pissed at them but he also knew that he probably would have done the same thing. Scratch that: 

He had done the same thing. Mostly informing Bruce on the state of one of his siblings because he knew that Bruce cared so deeply and worried every minute of his life. 

“If you organise everything, I’m in”, he sighed. 

“Alright. How do you feel about the weekend in two weeks?”

\---------

“Why do I have to sit between Fatgirl and Wayne?”, Damian asked with a snarl on his face. 

Dick smiled to himself. Since he had taken Damian aside a few weeks ago to ask him to stop calling Cass “Cain”, the kid had started calling her “Wayne”. Dick hadn’t had to tell him why. Damian had understood that she did not want any connection to her “sperm donor” - Cass’s term, not his. 

“Smallest”, Cass said with a grin and hopped into the car. Damian followed grumbling and sat down in the middle. Steph sat down behind the driver’s seat. Behind them were Duke and Tim.

“Do we have everything?”, Jason asked glancing at them through the mirror. 

“I think so. Everything from my list is in the car”, Steph announced. “Including all of the people on here.”

She gave Dick a look of “please don’t jump out of the car if you get uncomfortable” and if you don’t know what that looks like you clearly have never been in a car with a Bat. 

“Let’s get going”, Dick said and gave Steph the universal look for “Do I look like I would do that?”

Steph rolled her eyes. Dick actually could only agree. He probably did look like he would do that.

\--------------

It took about 20 minutes until Dick’s hand hovered over his seat belt’s closing mechanism. 

“I spy… blue”, Cass’s voice announced and Jason, Tim and Damian groaned. 

“Is it Jason’s butt after your sparring session yesterday?”, Steph said.

“Is it Damian’s blood?”, Tim asked and caught the gummy bear Damian threw at him with his mouth.

“Is it my nail polish?”, Jason grinned.

“Jason wins.”

“I spy… someone confused.”

“Duke”, they all - including Duke - said in unison. It had become a running gag that all of the things normal to them were completely strange to him. 

“Duke wins because he’s the only one I like.”

Cass cleared her throat.

“Except for Cass but it was her turn before.”

“I spy something… grey.”

\---------------

Dick wasn’t quite sure when the trip had turned from actually delightful to absolute nightmare but here he was: Standing outside the cabin in his pajamas and having a panic attack. The phone in his hand swam as his eyes watered. With shaking hands he selected a number. 

The call was answered a few seconds later: “Dick? Why are you calling me at 3 am?”, Donna asked sleepily. 

“I… I need you t-to pick me up.”

“What’s going on?”

“P-please?”

“Where are you?”, her voice had gone soft. 

“I’ll text you the address.”

“I’ll be there in a minute. Is that ok?”

“Th-thank you.”

Donna was actually there in thirty seconds. Dick always forgot how fast she could fly. Without a word she moved to hug him and he sobbed into her shoulder.

After a while Donna began to speak quietly: “What do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know… I just don’t want to stay here. Donna, I can’t do this”, he let out a small sob without raising his head. 

“Ok. How about I take you to the tower? If you want me to, I can text one of your siblings that I needed you for an emergency.”

Dick nodded into her shoulder. 

“Alright. Do you want me to get your bag?”

“No, that’s ok. I have stuff at the tower.”

\-----------------

Dick had spent the night on one of the couches in the tower. He had planned on just sitting down for five minutes since Donna had said she would make him a hot   
chocolate. He had then fallen asleep before she had even left the room. Apparently she had thought it best to just leave him be and had written a small note on the table that she had texted Tim. Of course, Dick only saw the note after being very rudely awakened by a butt on his stomach. 

“Dick?! Why the hell are you lying on the couch?”, proclaimed the mouth attached to the asshole.

“Roy?”, he mumbled, “Can’t you just let me sleep?”

“I thought you were going on a road trip with your siblings?” Apparently Dick’s face gave away how that had gone. “That bad, huh?”

“About as good as every single Arrow family dinner”, Dick attempted as Roy lifted his legs and sat down on the couch.

“Ouch”, Roy said dry as bone. “Did Damian insult someone? Did Jason shoot someone? Was Tim emotionally distant?”

“I don’t know… Everything went pretty much as expected. I just freaked out in the middle of the night and called Donna to pick me up.”

“Mmmh. Calling mom to pick you up from the sleepover.” Roy stopped when he saw Dick’s face sink. “Come on, I’m just trying to cheer you up. If it didn’t work, it didn’t   
work. Also, I’m pretty sure you could do that about a hundred more times until you’ve run off as often as all of them have.”

The corners of Dick’s mouth pulled up a bit: “Just Tim, Dami and Jay.”

“Well, at least those three. Come on, let’s make some breakfast. I’m starving.”

\-----------

“Dick?”, Donna’s voice went through the living area of the tower.

“I’m here!”, Dick called and stuffed more pancake - Roy made amazing ones - into his mouth.

A few seconds later Donna appeared in the door frame: “There you are. If you don’t want your siblings to suspect you weren’t actually helping us out, you need to decide   
what to do.”

Roy snorted: “As if they don’t already know.”

Dick’s heart sank. 

“Not helping, Roy. Well, at least if you do something now they can’t really call you out on anything. You can either go back soonish or you can tell them it’s taking longer than expected and that you don’t know how much time we still need.”

Dick sighed: “I need to go back.”

Donna frowned: “Are you sure?”

“I am. This roadtrip is supposed to fix some stuff. I can’t just bail out. Can you get me back there in fifteen minutes?”

“Sure.”

\--------------

“You’re back!”, Steph yelled from where she was sitting in front of the cabin.

“Yes, sorry about that. Garth and Lilith got information concerning a current case but it turned out to be a dead end.” Dick stepped closer to the cabin. Donna had set him   
down a bit further into the woods out of sight of anyone driving by on the road. “Where are the others?”

“Cass and Tim are inside. Jason, Duke and Damian went to the grocery store a few miles out because we forgot to pack sweets.”

“How did we manage that?”, Dick laughed a bit nervous. 

“I recognize that voice”, said someone with a terrible impression of an old man. 

Dick heard Cass giggle before the door was thrown open and a black haired flash jumped at him. 

Dick barely kept his balance but threw his arms around Cass happily: “You know I was only at the tower, right?” He laughed.

“Well, it took a ten minute freakout from everyone until I just looked at my phone”, Tim said from a few steps back.

“Heh. Sorry about that. I didn’t want to wake anything up from an actual full night’s sleep.”

Cass carefully wriggled out of his hug and took a few steps back, looking him up and down as if to see whether she was alright with the state he was in.

“Wait a second, is that my shirt?“, Dick asked.

„Yep“, Cass said happily. 

—————

That day and the next they all spent relatively close to the cabin. There were a few smaller walks to a waterfall and around a hill but otherwise they just hang out together. 

It went remarkably well. It was pretty clear that everyone but Duke and Damian knew why he’d been at Titans tower but Tim and Jason didn’t mention it and Cass and   
Steph just made sure he was alright. It could have been worse. 

Still, after two days of everyone trying not to step on any toes and without the fighting that was the norm of their family - both with each other and with supervillains- the air was feeling like a minefield. 

They were planning to stay two more days, so they’d need at least half a day apart from each other. 

“I’m thinking of going on a hike today. 7 to 8 hours”, Dick announced during breakfast. “Whoever wants to, can join me.”

“Where do you want to go?”, Duke asked, seemingly interested. 

Dick grinned: “I don’t know. I’m just going to walk around for four hours and then turn back. I’ll take one of our GPS, a phone and a communicator in case of an emergency.”

“There’s no way that that won’t go wrong”, Jason said. 

Tim and Steph snickered into their cereal.

“That’s why I’m taking a communicator. So who wants to join?” 

“Actually that sounds really cool”, Duke said. “I’ll join you if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all.”

————

The two of them walked until they got to the waterfall. They had taken food and water with them as well as some climbing equipment because when Dick had asked how Duke felt about choosing to climb in a few places, Duke’s eyes had lit up.

Dick had seen that there was a climbing route up the waterfall the day before, so they’d start there, climb up and follow the river uphill. That way they’d also know where they were in a most basic sense. 

They arrived at the top of the - not quite mountain but not quite hill either - after 3 hours. They’d made quick progress through the solid and unobstructed terrain around the river had quickly turned into a stream. Now they were standing at its source. 

“How do you feel about a lunch break?”, Dick asked happily. He loved the feeling of accomplishment the hike was giving him. 

“Oh, yeah. Man, I didn’t realize how hungry I am.”

As if on cue Duke’s stomach growled. They both laughed and Dick started getting out the food they’d taken with them. They had mostly been quiet on the hike, only pointing out beautiful spots or discussing where exactly to go. Dick was sure Duke had wanted to come along because he needed some quiet. As the hours went by, it seemed like Duke was relaxing more and more. 

There was a relatively steep hang on the other side of the hill-mountain. The weather was good and there were no trees for the next fifty meters so it seemed like they   
could see the whole world. They settled down there, with the cabin being somewhere behind them.

“The whole family can be a bit exhausting sometimes, right?”, Dick asked after a while. 

Duke laughed - he sounded a bit embarrassed: “Is it that obvious?”

“Not at all. But if we had spent another day so close together there would have been blood loss. Even with everyone trying so hard to be peaceful.”

Duke was silent for a moment, then: “Can I ask you something?”

Dick waved him on because he had his mouth full.

“Something happened between you, Tim and Jason, right? That’s why everyone’s trying so hard?”

Dick swallowed and pinched his nose: “Yeah, they betrayed my trust. I need to talk to them about it. Preferably soon but also preferably never.” Dick laughed harshly. 

“Steph thought this trip would help us get to the point where we do talk about it.”

Duke stayed quiet. He seemed to be connecting things in his head. Dick liked that about him. Duke was a good thinker because he was calm and thorough. He would see things Dick didn’t because his mind only worked on instinct like everything else about him. 

\------------

“Thanks, Steph”, Dick whispered as he hugged Steph goodbye. “I swear I’ll talk to them soon.”

“You should”, Steph’s look was judging. 

Dick winked at her and slung his bag on his back: “Come over here and hug your big brother goodbye!”, he yelled at the rest of the others who were standing on the grass together.

Somehow, they all complied.


	8. And Normal Life Continues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dick goes to therapy, Tim visits the coffee shop and Bruce and Dick talk. Even if it is a bit emotionally stunted.

“I had a nightmare last night.”

Dinah handed Dick his tea: “What was it about?”

“Hypnos”, Dick took a sip. “God, I really hated those implants.”

“What did they do?”, Dinah asked.

They both knew that she knew what the Hypnos implant was for but it was good for Dick to say things aloud. He wasn’t good at talking about his fears and regrets but he was good at recounting events and explaining things. So they usually started the therapy sessions by Dick talking about something that had happened. Dinah would let him start a topic and ask him questions later on. Sometimes there was panic in Dick’s chest and he’d talk about last night’s patrol but sometimes when he felt up to it, he talked about things like Hypnos.

“It’s basically a mind control implant. Enables you to manipulate someone into doing pretty much anything. It also gives me a major headache. Every time I used it, I’d have a migraine for days.” Dick took another sip to brace himself against the panic that was flaring up. “The implant has another... feature that can shut the user down with one command word.”

Dinah sucked in a sharp breath: “Was that ‘feature’ used on you?” 

Dick nodded. “Twice. Luthor also developed a system that allowed the Hypnos to override motion control. That was worse.”

“Did you tell anyone about it at the time?”

“Bruce. Only about the first one, though. He had amnesia when I learnt about the second one.”

Dinah let him get his mind sorted out for a moment: “How did you feel when you found out about it?”

Dick closed his eyes and thought back to his meeting with Luthor in the cafe: “Panic, at first. Anger, then. After I’d gotten away from there… I just felt tired and weak. Mentally, I mean. Like there was no energy left inside me.”

\---------------------

“Good morning, how may I help you?”, Dick smiled at the customer in front of him. 

She was a pretty woman. About 50. Her hair was dark brown and she had those lines around her eyes that show you that someone smiles enough. Dick would almost call her cute. In his head. He would never say something that could be understood as that condescending. Still, she seemed really likeable. 

“One espresso and a blueberry muffin to go, please.”

“Oh, the classics. Good choice”, Dick winked and the woman smiled. She seemed surprised. Almost a bit startled. She also seemed very amused by him. “That will be… Oh, there it is.” The money was already on the counter. “Do you come here often?”

“Yes, though usually not this late. I mostly come here for my morning coffee.”

“Ah, I always work the late shift. That would explain why I haven't seen you before. Unfortunately.” Dick put the muffin in a bag. He wouldn’t usually have this much time to talk to a customer but there wasn’t much going on today. 

“Oh, you’re so sweet.”

Dick put the finishing touches on the cappuccino and handed it to her: “I wish you a lovely day.”

“Thank you. Goodbye!”

Dick smiled to himself as she exited the cafe. He really liked working with people. It could be frustrating as hell sometimes but these moments made it worth it. 

The door opened and Dick looked up to greet the new customer. His eyebrows shot up to his hairline: “Hey, Tim! What brings you here?”

“I wanted to see your new workplace.” Tim looked uncomfortable. Like he wasn’t quite sure whether he was welcome. 

“Well, what can I get you?”

Tim’s shoulders relaxed a bit: “A cappuccino.”

“Ah, so you either slept enough or you don’t want me to worry”, Dick turned to the coffee machine.

“What if it was both?”

“Then I would turn around and give you a stern look and tell you I’ll always worry about you no matter how much I thought you had slept.” Dick consciously kept himself from turning around. It wouldn’t do to back Tim into a corner by watching him emote.

“Hmm, then I’d tell you that Bruce told me to go to bed early yesterday.”

“And I’d reply that I don’t believe you if you say you actually did it.”

 

“You might be onto something there.”

Dick laughed and handed Tim his coffee: “Now tell me how college is going.”

\--------------------------

“Dick! How was the rest of your camping trip?”, Donna called as soon as Dick stepped through the living room door.

“Well, I didn’t end up calling you again”, Dick grinned.

Roy groaned: “You stole my joke!”

“Sorry”, Dick said unapologetically. “No. it was quite good. I went for a hike with Duke for one. He’s a good kid. I really want to get to know him better but I just never get around to it.”

“You know other people try to avoid socialisation”, Donna threw back at him.

Dick nodded and was quiet for a moment: “How come I only ever meet you two here? Not that I mind.” He very pointedly only looked at Donna during the last part.

“Hey!”

“Sorry, Roy. Wouldn’t actually mind to see more of our rotating cast of redheads.”

Roy couldn’t keep up his offended expression and laughed: “What about Garth? You don’t want to see him?”

“I do. But not instead of Donna. On top… and no I’m not finishing that sentence.”

“Good to know you’re still a dork.”

“Shut up, Roy. I’ve seen you watch Star Wars.”

\------------------------

“Bruce, I’m fine. Why are you fretting?”

Bruce crossed his arms: “You got hit with an unidentified gas and were slashed across the leg with a knife that could cut through the Kevlar.”

Dick rolled his eyes: “And my bloodwork says I’m fine, as does the heart monitor which I still strongly object to.”

“Duke mentioned you being gone one morning during the camping trip.”

“There was an urgent Titans matter.”

Bruce raised an eyebrow and Dick’s poker face crumbled.

He looked down at his bandaged leg: “I freaked out in the middle of the night and had Donna pick me up.”

“Are you doing okay?”, Bruce asked with a very soft voice.

Dick looked up to see Bruce’s arms hanging by his sides now: “I’m seeing a therapist.”

“Dinah.”

“Yeah.”

“She didn’t mention anything.” It was a pure statement. Bruce was simply informing Dick of a fact.

Dick smiled a bit: “I wouldn’t have minded it much if she did.” But I would have a little. “Since she refuses to let me pay her, I’m not exactly an official patient.” Dinah wouldn’t see it that way. She was very diligent. 

“If you need to talk about something, you can always come to me.” If you need to get something of your chest, if you need to yell at me and punch me in the face.

“I appreciate it.”


End file.
